Tag: sexual violence
5 Things To Do and 7 Things Not to Do When Someone Tells you They Were Sexually Assaulted
Just like there is not a perfect way for survivor of sexual violence to heal, there’s not an perfect way to understand why sexual violence happens. It’s not cut and dry nor is it “rocket science” and this sort of thinking needs to end, because the real victim is suvivor, not the perpetrator nor the social context that everyone believes that it is the woman’s responsibility to not get raped.
In the article by Jack Fischl of the online site Mic titled, ” 5 Things To Do and 7 Things Not To Do When Someone Tells You They Were Sexually Assaulted”, actually lists what those things. I will elaborate on each one.
7 Things NOT To Do
- Do NOT criticize the survivor’s actions leading up to or during the assault and do NOT suggest other ways what they could have handled the situation. Example:
-“Why didn’t you push him off?“
-“Why didn’t you scream for help?”
Doing so is unproductive and will only result in the survivor blaming themselves.
2. Do NOT compare rape stories. Example
“Well at least you weren’t gang-raped like that girl in India.”
Unfortunately, victims of sexual assault can also make the same mistake of doing this too:
Victim 1: I was date-raped…
Victim 2: Well at least you weren’t raped by someone you trusted.
3. If you are family of a survivor, do NOT tell the survivor that they should “get over their rape and move on with their life.
Yes the incident may have have an impact on their behavior, however this does not condone such comments like, “Why can’t you go back to the way things were?” or “Just get over it.” Unlike physical injuries, emotions ones may take much longer to heal.
4. If you are family of a survivor, do NOT blame the victim for not being more supportive of the family.
Keep in mind this will affect you, the rest of your family and your loved one who underwent the incident, but above all that be sure to focus on your love one’s needs.
5. Do NOT sympathize with the rapist by saying anything like:
“He was too drunk to know what he was doing.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Well, she though she consented.”
6. Do NOT ever prescribe to the idea that “Sometimes, girls just don’t know what they want or that “A man knows what’s best:
To some men they think no means yes.
7. Do NOT ever use any of the following phrases, ever:
“Well maybe if she didn’t wear that a skimpy outfit she wouldn’t have been raped.”
“Maybe if she didn’t drink so much she wouldn’t have been date raped.”
“Maybe if she hadn’t trusted her boyfriend for so long she wouldn’t have blind-sided and had no idea what was happening to her.
“Maybe if she was smarter she wouldn’t be raped.”
5 Things TO Do
So then what is the more appropriate approach to support? Fischl suggests that 5 things that can be done.
- Empathize. Say for example: I’m sorry that happened to you.
- Offer to be there. For example say, “If You ever need to vent, talk, or just cry, you can call me. I’m so sorry.”
- Offer to listen. By allowing the survivor to talk about what they went through, you are allowing them to heal, which is healthier.
- As a survivor, if you don’t know what to do, don’t know what to think, that’s normal. Be patient and good to yourself. You will get better.
- Remember that is isn’t your problem to solve. You’re there to support the victim, and that’s it. Keep in mind that if a survivor of sexual assault comes to you don’t expect it’s something to be solved nor something you can apply your own logic to (men with all their good intentions can be notorious of this).
There’s not an easy to help a survivor of sexual assault, but doing those 5 simple things can be a good start. You may be like, “Those simple 5 things? That’s it?” That’s it. I tell my family and friends that all the time. It helps me heal, knowing they’re just there for me. And as for the 7 things about what NOT to do? It’s as simple as well…NOT doing them.
More Readings
How A Victim Blaming System Excuses Rape
“If You’re A Good Guy, You Can’t Possibly A Rapist”
People Often Defend An Alleged Rapist’s Character. Here’s Why You Should Doubt them.
Charmed: Switches and Stones (AKA: Medusa’s Revenge, AKA: The Bystander Effect)
The Sad Untold Story of Medusa
I’m sure you’ve heard about the story of Medusa. You know… the woman who was cursed because she was beautiful and then ended up having snakes heads for hair and with just one look, she’d turn her victims into stone. The only way she could be stopped, by cutting off her head. But have you heard of the real…story about WHY she was really cursed?
The whole thing started when Medusa, a mortal, was raped by Posideon because she was beautiful. The thing it was happening in Athena’s place of worship and Athena cursed Medusa into a monster. Anyone see the problem with this? This whole time, even through pop culture, she was this evil monster, who in every story had her head cut off and her killer was named a hero. However, she was victim of rape and victim blaming. And here I thought that Athena was supposed to be the goddess of wisdom.
In an episode of Charmed, titled “Switches and Stones”, Maggie, Mel, and Macy find a case of men who are turned into stone. This all happening during the time of Maggie’s Kappa Rush time and…during the time Maggie and Mel switched bodies by accident due to a magic spell. The sister’s figure it’s a magical creature, Medusa, who is turning people, mostly guys, to stone. But they are wondering, why…
Huh how interesting…a demon helping victims of slut shaming, makes you wonder who is worse humans or monsters? I mean…it’s one thing being the person who starts slut shaming, but another to be a bystander. The bystander effect according to Psychology Today, occurs when the presence of others discourages an individual from intervening in an emergency situation.Bystander Effect
So what is a bystander? According to Google, a bystander is someone (or a group of people) who is present at an event or incident, but does not take part. Other words for bystander include onlooker. But then…there is an interesting term called “Bystander Effect.” So what is the “Bystander Effect?” The bystander effect occurs when the presence of others discourages an individual from intervening in an emergency situation (Psychology Today, n.d). In the case of the scene, the students were looking at the pics on their phone. So the question is then why what would cause students who clearly saw disturbing pictures of girls to do practically nothing. A chart from another Psychology Today article explains this (Burn, n.d.):
Again in the case of the students in the show, I wanna say they were “engaged” in numbers 2,3, and 5. The kids seemed fascinated more with the pictures and the shock value, rather than to call out (especially in front of their peers) a wrongdoing. In emergency situations where there four or more bystanders, only 31% will help (Gaille, 2017). In this case, that’s Mel, Maggie, and Macy out of all the people who are at the Kappa Rush party. Disappointing.
Non-Consensual Photo Sharing
So sad. She had summon a demon to stand up for her, because other people wouldn’t. I can’t imagine the distress anyone would go through when going something like THAT, ESPECIALLY after telling the abuser NOT to send the picture. The act that the girl’s abuser is called, “Non-Consensual Photo Sharing”. What constitutes as “Non-Consensual Photo Sharing” is (Breakthrough, n.d.):- Taking intimate photos or video without consent
- Sharing intimate photos or videos taken with consent-and the reasonable expectation of privacy-and sharing them without consent
- Sharing photos or videos with the intention of humiliating, degrading, or harassing someone
- Using coercive behavior to obtain intimate photos or videos
- Taking and sharing photos or videos of sexual assault
- Unsolicited photo and video sharing as harassment
Consent
That’s the unfortunate thing slut shaming does…it causes low self-esteem, depression, anxiety and relationship disturbances. Whatever form sexual assault/harassment comes in, “No” ALWAYS means “No”. To not respect, is well…sexual assault/harassment. In the case of the girl. So what is consent? It must be:- Clear
- Coherent
- Willing
- Ongoing
So, the pictures of the girl were not given by her consent.
Victim Shaming
When we as a people engage in victim blaming, we are basically ostracizing them…saying their story doesn’t matter. When we say things like (“How To,” n.d.):- She asked for it
- It wasn’t really rape
- He didn’t mean to
- She wanted it
- She lied
- Rape is a trivial event
- Rape is a deviant event
Victims are already going through so much in themselves: shame, low self-esteem, hopelessness/helplessness, denial or minimizing what had happened to them and fear of the consequences if they do report what happened to them, especially if their assaulter is rich and powerful (Engel, 2017).
How to Help Victims of Sexual AssaultDefinitely, what can be a help is by carefully wording what we say (“Tips for, n.d):
- “I believe you”./ “It took you a lot of courage to me about this.”
- “It’s not your fault.”/ “You didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
- “You are not alone.” /”I care about you and I am here to listen or help in anyway I can.”
- “I’m sorry this happened”/ “This shouldn’t have happened to you.”
There are some other reasons why people remain bystanders:
- “[The] situations present that create more danger to a perceived situation, such as having a perpetrator present.“
- “[S]omeone will only choose to act if the potential reward is greater than the known risk.“
- “The costs of an intervention being physical in nature is one of the greatest attenuations of the bystander effect.”
- “The more we live in cities and are part of crowds, the problems of ignoring the plight of individuals, of communities and groups will remain with us, unless we address it proactively.”
There are plenty of ways to help victims of sexual assault with having to do anything uber heroic.
RAINN suggests:
- Avoiding Judgement
- Check in periodically with them
- Knowing your resources- This includes knowing the RAINN hotline: (800) 273-HOPE (4673), knowing the National Suicide Provider Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255), but most importantly…remind them to do good self-care
If you want to intervene there are some things that can be used to protect and help you (Gaille, 2017):
- “Many communities have enacted Good Samaritan laws that require people to help when they see an emergency situation or a legal penalty, including jail time in some jurisdictions, may result.”
- “Training programs that give people certain skills to better recognize an emergency situation can help spur action when they see it happen for real outside of the classroom.”
- “Rewards and other protections have been instituted in different industries and environments to protect whistleblowers and heighten the need for ongoing activism.”
If you or someone you know is undergoing any form of nonconsensual photo sharing contact the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative Hotline number below:
You can also visit the CCRI website for more details:
Reference
Breakthrough. (n.d.) Understanding Non-Consensual Photo Sharing. Retrieved from: https://us.breakthrough.tv/resources/understanding-non-consensual-photo-sharing/
Burn, Shawn Megan. (n.d.) “A Situational Model of Sexual Assault Prevention Through Bystander Intervention.” Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/124123/situational-model-sexual-assault-prevention-through-bystande.pdf
Engle, Beverly. (2017). Why Don’t Victims of Sexual Harasssment Come Foward Sooner? Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201711/why-dont-victims-sexual-harassment-come-forward-sooner
Gaille, Brandon. (2017)17 Exceptional Bystander Effect Statistics. Retrieved from: https://brandongaille.com/16-exceptional-bystander-effect-statistics/
Harvard Law School Halt. (n.d.) How To Avoid Victim Blaming. Retrieved from: https://orgs.law.harvard.edu/halt/how-to-avoid-victim-blaming/
Psychology Today.”Bystander Effect” (n.d.). Retrieved from, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/bystander-effect
RAINN. “Tips for Talking with Survivors of Sexual Assault.” (n.d.). Retrieved from: https://www.rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault
More Reading
“Bystander Effect’ and Sexual Assault: What The Research Says
“It’s Victimization”: Push Grows To Charge Onlookers Who Tape Sexual Assaults
The Effects of Slut Shaming on Teen Girls
The Time I Totally Failed to Stand Up to a Street Harasser
The Timeless Myth of Medusa, a Rape Victim Turned Into a Monster
R. Kelly, Part 6: Victim Shaming
Dr Luke’s Lawyer: “But again, there are people that are falsely accused of rape, aren’t there? You think there has never been a false accusation of rape?”
Lady Gaga: How about all of the women that are accused of being liars and how she was slut shamed in front of the world, how about that?
Lady Gaga fighting for Kesha against her former music producer Dr. LukeFrom the online article: How Can Sexual Abuse Survivors get Justice When the System fails them?
I don’t really get the whole thing about victim shaming. No…it’s not that I don’t know what it is, but rather..why does society blame the victim? Why does society seem to crucify the people who need the most help? The victims who presented themselves on the Lifetime show, “Surviving R. Kelly” and even on the Dateline Special, “R.Kelly: Accused” are viewed pretty much as TV whores….women who are vying for their 15 minutes of fame and to gain money. However, after even listening to clips of their stories, I believed them, especially when they talked how it affected their lives, because I know how my incident affected mine.
So in a definition context, what is victim shaming? According to Wikipedia (I just loved how they perfectly defined it), “Victim Shaming or victim blaming “occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befalls them.” Why is that? It’s because compared to a robbery, the victim is more to their assaulter.
Here are some other reasons why people disbelieve survivors (Whiting, 2019):
- The Myth of the Evil Perpetrator
- Wishing the World Was Safe
- The Wrong Kind of Victim
- Confusion and Self-Blame
The Myth of the Evil Perpetrator
This is guy that everyone understates. Why? One could be his socioeconomic status…meaning he’s rich….he’s successful. He has an outstanding reputation…the guy that everyone loves…the guy everyone knows and trusts. He’s the “nice guy” and this “nice guy” is either good looking or they are someone you’d even trust your children with.They’d never do such heinous things.
Example:
Larry Nassar, the now disgraced USA Gymnastics national team doctor and osteopathic physician for Michigan State University, was someone who well-known for being generous, selfless, and committed. He was known for his goofy charm and steadfast service, that when the young girls tried to report his actions , their cries were often ignored. And it didn’t help either since he was known for “women’s pelvic issues” which was helpful for common injuries that were faced in gymnastics, he would rebuke the girl’s cries of his sexual advances by saying they misunderstood his “technique”.
Wishing the World Was Safe
I guess for some people ignorance really is bliss for some people while still having this “I could have seen it a mile a way” attitude. Well, of course they could. If after I’ve heard someone story without having being in the situation myself, of course, I would have seen it coming. Researchers call this the “hindsight effect.” In one study, research participants read different versions of a story. One group of participant read a version where a character was raped at the end, while the other group head the netural ending. The first group displayed a bias toward their character after picking up on clues from the story hence leading towards the “I knew it all along” bias where the listening audience may make the situation being told them “predictable” or “easy” when really…. it wasn’t.
Example:
In Mississippi, a woman was raped on a Biloxi Bay Bridge when she went out running. Even though she reported the assault and was treated and tested local hospital, people still had something to say about the incident: “I would not run alone that late at night, especially being a woman. Go during daylight or with a running buddy” and “It’s dark at 6 p.m. what was was she even doing alone walking on the bridge?”
The Wrong Kind of Victim
Or what is called, “ideal victim” is where the victim must fit these five characteristics:
- Weak/vulnerable
- Involved in a respectable activity at the time of victimization
- Blameless in all aspects of the interaction
- Victimized by an obvious offender
- Someone who does not know the offender
Example: If a person fights back, is not dressing in the right way, is intoxicated or if the accused is someone they know, their story is more likely to be questioned or doubted
4. Confusion and Self-Blame
Here the victim may either accept that the blame their perpetrator is placing on them or feel a deep shame for allowing the abuse to keep happening or for being at the wrong place or for not getting away.
Examples:
One of Larry Nassar’s early victims, Larissa Boyce, while trusting in her coach who found her claim upsetting, then was told by her coach, that if she reported about the incident it would have “very serious consequences” for both Nassar and herself. Terrified at this possibility, Larissa end up eventually crying and apologizing to Nassar, saying it was a “misunderstanding and all her fault”.
So, how can people know what sexual assault is? Educate themselves. It’s as School House Rocky says, because:
Alright, so what sites could help people better under sexual assault? Take a look at the sites below:
If you live outside of the U.S. and know of any anti-sexual assault organiation in your nation, if you can message me, so I can put in this post. Thank you!
References
“How Denial and Victim Blaming Keep Sexual Assault Hidden”. (2019). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-lies-and-conflict/201901/how-denial-and-victim-blaming-keep-sexual-assault-hidden
Victim Blaming. (n.d.) Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaming
More Readings
Amber Heard: I Spoke Up Against Sexual Violence and Faced Our Culture’s Wrath
Ex-Baylor Frat President Indicted On 4 Counts of Sexual Assault Won’t Go To Prison
The Veil of Silence is Lifted for Black Women Thanks to R. Kelly Docuseries
The Hearing That Forced The World To Listen To Larry Nassar’s Survivors
Why Do Sexual Assault Victims Wait So Long To Speak Out? Take A Look At The Comments Section
R. Kelly, Part 2: Black Women and Girls: The Discounted Victims of Sexual Assault
Since the first African arrived here (as a slave), Black people,especially Black women and girls have been overly sexualized. Why? We have (for the most part) have bigger thighs, bigger butt, and bigger chest size, than most women. But for some stupid reason people throughout time (especially in this country), people think we’re promiscuous??? Where did people come to THAT conclusion? Sorry we have bigger—assets than most women do.
Our bodies develop much faster and bigger than most girls when undergoing puberty. When I think and look back on time I was a preteen, I was more developed than most my classmates and by the time I was 14 or 16 years old, males young and old were staring at me. Especially the men. I mean…how the hell could they not know I was teenager??? Or what if they knew, but didn’t care?
Unfortunately studies have shown, adults view young Black girls anywhere from the age 5 to 14 are seen as “more sexually mature and know more about adult topics than white girls in the same peer group” (Shapiro, 2017). Now…how adults come that conclusion boggles my mind. It’s sick. How does an adult plug their adulterated mind and assume that a child knows such topics???
Here’s another reason why young Black girls and women (especially young girls) are not taken seriously for sexual assault (Blake, Epstein, & González, n.d):
- Black girls need less nurturing
- Black girls need less protection
- Black girls need to be supported less
- Black girls need to be comforted less
- Black girls are more independent
- Black girls know about adult topics
- Black girls know more about sex
While this does not surprise me, it also does because I’m actually seeing these . Those bullet points are basically seeing Black girls as adults and not children. Even when we have ambitions–which may sound “adult-like” to others– it could be assumed as threatening (Blake et.al, n.d.). But even if those girls are considered “adults” does that mean it’s okay to turn a blind eye to those “adults” when they need help, because it’s assumed they’re promiscuous and mad and angry??? In turn does that mean, that adults…especially adult Black women aren’t worth protecting either? Tch…But you know what’s worse? The perpetrators of Black girls and Black women don’t even go to jail.
It’s already hard enough to find out that in general not all rapists will be charged or serve time for rape. Check out the graphs from RAINN below:
If you’re still confused by this I’ll explain… So, out of every 1000 rapes, 5 cases will lead to a felony conviction, and about 5 of them will be in jail. This is compared to out of every 1000 robberies, 22 cases will lead to a felony conviction and 20 robbers will be incarcerated. Sad right? Maybe rape should be put under robberies, because
- It seems like the judicial system takes it seriously when somebody loses their belongings.
- Afterall, victims of sexual assault are robbed of their identity, safety, innocence, peace (especially inner peace), trust, relationships, etc…
According to “The Body is Not An Apology” website, if a Black woman’s or girl’s assailant is a white male, he is less likely to be convicted of sexual assault, than if the victim was a white woman. Oh and it get’s better….even when a man is found guilty he will still receive shorter sentences than if he were to rape a white woman. So the big question is…is the judicial system encouraging the raping of Black girls and Black women?
Next:
R. Kelly, Part 3: David Vs. Goliath: Sexual Assault Victims and Judicial System
References
Blake, J., Epstein, R., & González,T. (n.d). Girlhood Interrupted: The Erasure of Black Girls’ Childhood. Retrieved from https://www.law.georgetown.edu/poverty-inequality-center/wp-content/uploads/sites/14/2017/08/girlhood-interrupted.pdf
Francis-Favilla, A.G. (2019). “You Are Not Alone:” Uncovering the Dark Secret of Black Women and Sexual Abuse. Retrieved from https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/a-dark-secret-sexual-assault-african-american-women/
RAINN. (2019). The Criminal Justice System: Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system
Shapiro, T. (2017). Study: Black girls viewed as “less innocent” than white girls. Retrieved from, https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/study-black-girls-viewed-as-less-innocent-than-white-girls/2017/06/27/3fbedc32-5ae1-11e7-a9f6-7c3296387341_story.html?utm_term=.6ec8391da115
R. Kelly: Intro
How R.Kelly it’s “surprising” that society realizes he’s a pedophile is beyond me. I mean for starters, he’s been off and on the news on how he is basically holding a harem of young girls and women. And…and the infamous short lived marriage he had with the late Aaliyah when she was 15 years old.
I miss her and her music. She would have been 40 years old this year.
This slick pedophile has eluded facing the consequences of hurting his victims. You might say, “Well we separate his personal life from his talent.” Well you know what? I call bs. Why? ‘Cause talent, money, and power shouldn’t excuse the maltreatment of other people. Especially when are young, Black women/girl. So what is going on??? Why hasn’t he been put in jail with all the evidence, including the victims who have come out to report him? I have an idea:
- A failed judicial system
- The lack of reports and/or empathy toward Black women and young girls who are victims of sexual assault
- Misconception of rape reports
- Victim Shaming
- Sexual Grooming
The following topics I brought up will be posted into 6 parts. These parts will also tie into how R. Kelly has manipulated his victims and why the system does not believe victims, especially on how and why Black women/girls are not believed and how the judicial system fails them.
Next:
R. Kelly, Part 2: Black Women and Girls: The Discounted Victims of Sexual Assault
Celebrate Recovery: My Recovery Testimony
The following essay, was for a testimony I was to give to the attendees of the “Celebrate Recovery” of my church. To be honest, I wrote that the last minute, because of the nerves I had built on writing this. The anxiety knowing what I said and how I said about my testimony would and perhaps could change a person’s life. It was nervewrecking for me (even though I brainstormed a couple times) to know I could have impact on someone’s life. But the time it was about two day’s before I presented my testimony I spent all night to put it together. Barely even rehearsed it, but it was already in my heart and memories of the recovery process I went through. But at the end, it seemed everyone liked it because the audience was applauding and one of leader’s of the program said some people were nodding or exclaimed how I overcame my obsticles. One person also joked about how I could have come from Harvard, because of how smooth I talked and how well written was. I can’t believe people liked it! Anyway without futher adieu, he is my written testimony I presented at my local “Celebrate Recovery” location:
I am a believer who had struggled with anger issues. I know it’s hard to believe that I have anger issues, but I do. I have struggled with anger issues for a long time…all pent up…angry at the world and angry at myself. And that was the insanity. But mostly I was doing it as a way to protect myself. My anger stemmed with loneliness, insecurities, lack, and uncertainty. It didn’t help either I grew up in a domestic violent household either. The shame of living through that (and feeling misunderstood or discounted) kept me from confidently making friends or getting into a relationship. I felt if I let go of my anger it would weaken me, make me vulnerable…and being vulnerable meant exposing myself to the hurts and feelings I’ve tired so hard to bury and forget. But like everything else, nothing lasts forever. Plus, all that pent up anger from childhood caused me to have anxiety and depression disorders.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go back into Celebrate Recovery, because at the previous church I attended the people at THAT celebrate recovery weren’t very interactive. And incase things didn’t turn out well and THIS celebrate recovery, I didn’t wanna leave my business out in the open. I mean sure, I wouldn’t see the attendees again, but I don’t feel comfortable leaving my hurts with strangers. Unfortunately, a couple years ago I didn’t have a choice. In late 2015, I was sexually assaulted and that had a toll on me. And then THAT eventually led to a falling out with my folks, which led me to living a friend, but even there I was falling apart, because I was still reeling from everything that happened in just a few months. I had to put school on pause for awhile too. Pretty much I was a mess and angry. It was then their family member suggested Celebrate Recovery. Even though I was facing some pretty rough circumstances, it gave me enough to focus on myself and the only relationship I had that was fully available: my relationship with Jesus Christ. Being in the program really helped me to vulnerable and a safe spot for me to heal. Plus seeing other people sharing their vulnerabilities helped to understand it was okay to be vulnerable….that there was strength in being vulnerable and strength in facing them as well. It was also encouraging to see other women wanting to grow from their pain and help each other out. The more I came, the more I was able to have a handle on my anger. The step that spoke to me, was the first which was “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that lives had become unmanageable.” I needed to accept that, because I had to stop feeling the need to control things and keep to myself. It’s like the good book says in Genesis 2:18 and Matthew 18:20, in, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” and “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
Because I pursued my relationship with God and myself vulnerable to Him, I was able to be vulnerable to myself and better it and I was able to better my relationships. It’s still a work in progress, but it’s manageable, I’m manageable. I am freer and lighter, and I have a bit more confidence in myself and how I relate with others. Yeah, the pains of the past are still within me, but they don’t dominate me as much anymore. Since, my attendance in 2016, I’ve also been able to make friends here, which was something I did not expect. I was just focusing on bettering my spiritual side and managing my hurts. And what’s great is that we all help and support one another. This recovery journey has taught me that God is in control of everything, even my anger. I spent so much time feeling like because it was my anger, it should be my responsibility. But as I look back on my life: the relationships I’ve made, the circumstances I have faced, it shown me that God has dominion over EVERYTHING…good and bad but as long as I have him in my life I’ll be okay. I don’t have to take on everything my own, not even the pain I have. He will send me all the resources and support to see that I’ll be okay through it all.
So, my advice to the newbies is this, you don’t have to take everything on your own (your addictions, your hurts) you’re in good company here as well as God’s company. So, don’t worry about what you do and don’t have emotionally or financially, nor how long you expect for change to happen in yourself. Just focus on spending the next hour here and focus on rebuilding your life with God and in his time, you will get you’ve been seeking.
94 per cent of Native American women say they have been raped or coerced into sex | The Independent
A report found 94 per cent of Native American women living in Seattle say they have been raped or coerced into sex at least once in their lifetime. The damning new report – from the Urban Indian Health Institute and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention – is believed to be one of the first to examine the experience of native women living in an urban environment instead of on reservations.
— Read on www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/native-american-women-seattle-raped-coerced-sex-a8511646.html
Supernatural: Beat The Devil…Beat Your Demons
Introduction
It’s been a LONG while since this episode aired, but after watching this past Thursday’s episode, had just HAD to get back into writing it again! Due to sooo much happening this past year, I almost forgot about this post.
Season 13 was filled with a lot of surprises and familiar faces. Relationships and hookups we didn’t see coming as shown below…
And yet the few earlier scenes, have made a lot of sex joke references. But for me what was funny was how the episode was mentioning the jokes without really trying to mention it.
Now To The Real Issue…
All jokes aside, for me, the episode was a tough episode. The thing was both Rowena and Gabriel have been hurt by Lucifer, however in order to help save and bring back Jack and Sam and Dean’s mom from Apocalypse World, they had to face their demon. Like, literally and figuratively had to face them, which was well the Devil himself. They had no choice. I mean well, Gabriel wasn’t able to produce any more grace (see my previous posts: Supernatural: Coming Back From The Darkness Within and Supernatural: Unfinished Business: Gabriel Strikes Back), so Team Freewill had to go to the next best source: Lucifer.
Speak of The Devil…
I couldn’t imagine trying to trap my assaulter. I mean…just thinking about filing a police report against him scares me. It’s not so much of the process that scares me, but having to see his face again. Having to see my innocence and vulnerability taken away…again. Now some of you may be thinking, it’s selfish of me not to report him, forget about the other women who may be hurt by him or why now and not three years ago? When you’re sexually assaulted, your assaulter doesn’t just take advantage of your body, but your mind too. Your self esteem is shot. You have to grapple with the thought about how could you have not seen this coming and/or what did you do or say or wear, that made them think it was okay to hurt you??? I mean speaking for myself, because until the time I was 28, I thought sex could have only been done vaginally. I never thought there were other ways and byways sex could have been done. I wasn’t sexually active and so interested about as most people were growing up.
Sam, Castiel, Rowena, and Gabriel have been violated by Lucifer…. Sam (who was originally supposed to be his vessel) was tortured by Lucifer, when he was stuck with him in “Lucifer’s Cage”. Next was Gabriel who we thought was killed by Lucifer (he later went into hiding in Monte Carlo). Then we have Castiel who was tricked by Lucifer, so he could have access to his body. And lastly, we have Rowena who was tragically killed by Lucifer. He has physically and mentally abused them, but fortunately the four of them have gained back some resilience.
So anyway, without Lucifer knowing Sam, Dean, Cas, and Gabriel were going to an alternate universe to save Jack (Lucifer wants his son back), the boys went on while leaving Rowena alone with him. For a sec, I was kinda worried about that, because she’s in the room with the same guy who abused—no, killed her the first time. I can’t imagine how much strength she must have had (even with her full power restored. See post: Supernatural: Life After Assault)
Fight-Flight-Freeze
Lucifer: I’m just trying to have a good time with you like last time. Remember that? When I surprised you at your hotel room? Oh. I mean, I even wanted you to put up a fight. I wanted a little bit of a tussle, but [sighs] you froze. You choked. So I choked ya. What was that like, burning to death? You know, I can’t get that smell out of my nose, that…ashy reek of burnt up ginger! [Laughs]
We’ve all heard at some point this question, “Why don’t victims leave their abusers when they are being physically or sexually abused?” Apart from my own personal experience, it’s biology or called “fight-flight-freeze mechanism”. We’ve all heard about “fight or flight”, but when this situation occurs it’s not that simple. According the Psychology Today article, “Why Women Freeze During Sexual Assault” by Dr. Devon MacDermott, your body…your brain…is just focused on surviving the threat. The parts of the brain that responsible for example, reason and abstract thought, sensing your own body and mind, planning, and speech production is temporarily shut down. Using a less threatening example, recall a time you are giving a speech to large group of people. You may feel upset, unable to speak, or unable to speak articulately (MacDermott, 2018). That is a “fight-flight-freeze mechanism.”
On a biological level, your brain is trying to keep you alive, by redirecting energy into different parts of your body and brain (MacDermott, 2018). For example, the brain may be the blood flow and nutrients to the “safety parts” of your body or brain, instead of the “thinking parts”. Your input of from your five senses and your emotions and the output to your body get more attention than your abstract thought and problem solving (MacDermott, 2018).
According to the article, the most common mental symptoms of freeze are:
- Your thoughts get cloudy or your mind goes blank
- You feel panicky but without a sense of direction
- You feel hopeless or trapped
- You have a strong desire to get out of the situation or make something stop but you don’t know how
- You feel that any action you take might make the situation worse and it seems better to do nothing
I’ve felt bullet points 2-5.
While in terms surviving the wild, this mechanism of “fight or flight” has been useful in avoiding attacks, unfortunately in terms of physical or sexual assault, it’s not. Also other forms of trauma are most like to build the “fight-flight-freeze” mechanism into your body like, body shaming, manipulation, frequent invalidation, or had repeated feelings of powerlessness over your body’s safety, sexual consent, or boundary violations (MacDermott, 2018).
Devil’s Advocate
Rowena: You want to get inside my heat, twist the knife? Two can play that game. Do you know what your grace is making possible right now? The heartfelt family reunion of Sam, Dean, Cass, Mary, and your very own son Jack. That’s right. Your wee boy’s over there, and he’ll be so glad to see his three fathers. Of course, as far as he’s concerned, they are his father. And you? You’re nothing to him. Or me. Or anyone now. Nothing.
I know sometimes if feels it’s best to taunt your assaulter or stand up to them, but you know what I’ve learned? Don’t. Just don’t. Speaking for myself, it’s not because I feel weak, it’s just I’m trying to protect myself from being taking advantaged of again. I feel he’s already penetrated my mind, so he knows how to lure me back into his life by either giving or saying something I like or by trying to have me respond to something I clearly don’t like. I’m all for defending my honor and all, but defending my honor is also by leaving my ego where he is and walking or possibly running as far as I can from him. I can always regrow my ego, but entertaining him….hell no.
I use to have him as my instagram buddy (again at the time I had him as an IG buddy, I had no idea this whole time he was assaulting me). He sent me a direct message asking me how I was doing. As much as I wanted to respond to that, because I do to people I’m familiar with, I just felt I’d be stepping into a rabbit hole I just got myself out of. Innocent question, not-so-innocent guy. A couple minutes later, he wrote, “So I guess that’s a no.” And you know what? That’s fine. He answered his own question, but regardless, I wasn’t going to entertain him anymore. I already entertained him with my naivety about sex, I’m not giving him any more of me. F*ck that.
So if you want to face your assaulter, make sure you take your crew with you, because if not, they might screw with your head again. Never be alone whether in person or via social media. And you always…let me repeat…always remember you have a right not to talk or even be around your assaulter. Period. Protecting your physical, emotional, and/or mental well-being, should always come first.
Crocodile Tears
Lucifer: Aw, Red, you shouldn’t have made me mad. Step into my office. You know…you and Gabe, kicked me when I was down. I didn’t have any fight. I didn’t have anything to live for. But you, you, you gave me something to fight for again. My boy. So for that, that I’m gonna be quick.
I can’t believe how Red—I mean Rowena, must have felt in those first few seconds that she was in Lucifer’s clutches. I mean, first of all he was back in his clutches again and two I’m sure those seconds felt like minutes.
Lucifer tried to make Rowena (and Gabe) look like THEY were the bad guys. Making them feel as if he was the one being kicked around (although he’s stronger than the both of them; Gabe is out of grace). He ignored the fact that he had hurt SO many people in his wake, that one person does him wrong or one thing goes wrong, he feels victimized.
Whether the assaulter is male or female this is one tactic these use: emotional abuse. So what is emotional abuse? Well emotional abuse is:
“any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.”
(Tracy, 2016)
But remember…the whole point of emotional abuse is to discredit, isolate, and silence the victim (Gordon, 2018). They achieve this by:
- Displaying unrealistic expectations
- Invalidate you
- Creating chaos
- Using emotional blackmail
- Acting superior and entitled
- Isolating and controlling you
Beat The Devil
Rowena: [Grunts] Defendatur!
Rowena’s spell propells Lucifer into the portal
Rowena: Bullocks
Now unintentionally by Rowena (although perhaps antagonized by Lucifer) she used a spell that blasted them him into the portal where the boys were. Oopsies.
But can I point out something here…I loved the same of Rowena’s spell, “Defendatur”. While it’s quite an obvious name to give a defensive spell, I wish I had a spell like that could work in the real life. While we don’t have spells to cast off villainous folk, there are ways we can defend ourselves from would be assaulter. Here are some of my suggestions:
- Kick ’em where it hurts. Sounds violent, but whether your assaulter is a male or female or even a family member, fight. You deserve the right to protect and fight for yourself. When I was Ubering, I carried my pepper spray, but sadly I didn’t use it. Why? I was afraid of hurting the passenger. While I never though a man would dare put his hand on my thigh. I NEVER thought I’d have see someone be in pain. And I get it…it’s in my nature to be nurturing and caring, but there are times I have to be willing to fight and protect myself. Besides there’s a law that protects people for defending themselves right?
- Take martial arts classes. There are all types: Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Do, Kickboxing, Jiu-Jitsu, boxing, Muai Tai, as well as just basic self defense practices. Take em’. It’s fun! Myself I’ve done Kung Fu and Tae Kwon Do.
- Weapons. Carry a stun gun or pepper spray or gel.
Conclusion
References
MacDermott, D. (2018). Why Woman Freeze During Sexual Assault. Retrieved from, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-trauma/201805/why-women-freeze-during-sexual-assault
GLOW (Part 1 of 3)
****Warning Discloser: Spoilers and sexual assault references***
I love “Glow”! Not just because it’s a nod to the times, but because of the cast and it’s great storytelling. Set in the mid 80s, Ruth Wilder, played by Allison Brie, is an up and coming actress trying her hardest to score her first big gig. Well…one thing led to another and she became a female wrestler.
Believe it or not wrestling was a big deal back then. Even though wrestling was fake, they drew big crowds on and off the small screen. Heck, GLOW is based off the actual GLOW TV Show which aired those days. And even when I watched the show (you can watch the documentary off the show on Netflix, it’s great), these women were amazing and crazy! There was NOTHING like that those days where women wrestled. So the show was very groundbreaking.
If you grew up in the 80s or watched 80s films, women weren’t given a lot of roles as they are now. They didn’t have a lot lead roles, they seemed to play only as secretaries or mothers, they needed to be “pretty” and of course…they needed to have a man and be a damsel in distress. Women weren’t given a lot of personality…but GLOW gave the women to be more on television. They could engage in wresting for crying out loud! Yeah, some of those of course led to major injury, but these women were no longer restricted by gender norms.
Being that we’re now in the ME TOO era, this film really served as a reminder of what women went through to become famous. Unfortunately, it wasn’t due just hard work alone, but due to sleezy men who wanted to take advantage of women who wanted be actors.
If you look at the picture above, you can tell that Ruth was a rather dreamy and naive actress. For starters, she wasn’t from California (I believe she’s originally from the mid west) and two, she has just such a big passion for acting. So big in fact, the director of GLOW (and soon to be love interest), Sam Sylvia, played by Marc Maron, didn’t take her seriously at first when he was putting together the cast. But thank goodness, to her passion, Sam kept her and she did very well portraying her Russian alter-ego, Zoya the Destroya.
The show, especially her character was so well liked by Tom Grant (Paul Fitzgerald), the President of K-DTV of North Hollywood, that he asked Glen Klitnick (Andrew Friedman), he could invite her to his pad. Unknowingly to Ruth, she was nothing more as some sort of “gift” to Tom Grant, once Glen left the room.
Even though Tom asked Ruth how to wrestle, it was really just an excuse to fondle her breast for example. Looking at her face, she was extremely uncomfortable, while looking at his face he was enjoying himself. Just seeing how he grabbing her and trying to put his face between her breast. Reminded me of what happened with me.
Although I told him I just wanted to make out, he thought it okay to pull down my shirt and fondle my breasts while at. I had never really known what making out at the time, only that I thought it should involved was kissing. But I didn’t even know I could decide what constituted as making out and assumed everyone knew it involved kissing.
I felt for Ruth when she escaped Glen’s house and how humiliated and confused she must have felt. Like a “why me”??? or a “I should have known better”? Unfortunately, the following day she kind of regretted running away, when it was found that “Glow” was scheduled to be air 2 AM in the morning.
Damn…
While some how Ruth’s character annoyed me, because she was naive, but I guess she annoyed me because she reminded me of myself. I felt like Ruth, I put myself in that situation and I get upset everyday, that why did I not see that coming. Sometimes I forget the world does not have the same heart I do and will try to hide its true face. However neither me and Ruth didn’t deserve to be treated the way we did. But as you can imagine for Ruth, her dreams were reliant on someone who had the power to embolden her career, but instead it was to embolden their own ego. Then because Tom Grant didn’t get what he wanted, he punished her, which in turn punished her fellow actresses. So not ONLY does Ruth have to deal with assault, but have to take the blame for the cancellation of her show.
Unfortunately this is what happens to assault victims…their assaulter with use some sort of means of abuse . There are many forms of abuse…according to the “Physical Violence Sexual” wheel by The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
I feel that Tom Grant in the episode, used economic abuse, his male privilege, and emotional abuse to take control and get back at Ruth. This may be a fictional show, but the abuse that women underwent especially during those times in Hollywood IS real.
Living Resiliently 
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