Rape Culture – Living Resiliently

Just like there is not a perfect way for survivor of sexual violence to heal, there’s not an perfect way to understand why sexual violence happens. It’s not cut and dry nor is it “rocket science” and this sort of thinking needs to end, because the real victim is suvivor, not the perpetrator nor the social context that everyone believes that it is the woman’s responsibility to not get raped.

In the article by Jack Fischl of the online site Mic titled, ” 5 Things To Do and 7 Things Not To Do When Someone Tells You They Were Sexually Assaulted”, actually lists what those things. I will elaborate on each one.

7 Things NOT To Do

Do NOT criticize the survivor’s actions leading up to or during the assault and do NOT suggest other ways what they could have handled the situation. Example:

-“Why didn’t you push him off?“

-“Why didn’t you scream for help?”

Doing so is unproductive and will only result in the survivor blaming themselves.

2. Do NOT compare rape stories. Example

“Well at least you weren’t gang-raped like that girl in India.”

Unfortunately, victims of sexual assault can also make the same mistake of doing this too:

Victim 1: I was date-raped…

Victim 2: Well at least you weren’t raped by someone you trusted.

3. If you are family of a survivor, do NOT tell the survivor that they should “get over their rape and move on with their life.

Yes the incident may have have an impact on their behavior, however this does not condone such comments like, “Why can’t you go back to the way things were?” or “Just get over it.” Unlike physical injuries, emotions ones may take much longer to heal.

4. If you are family of a survivor, do NOT blame the victim for not being more supportive of the family.

Keep in mind this will affect you, the rest of your family and your loved one who underwent the incident, but above all that be sure to focus on your love one’s needs.

5. Do NOT sympathize with the rapist by saying anything like:

“He was too drunk to know what he was doing.”

“Boys will be boys.”

“Well, she though she consented.”

6. Do NOT ever prescribe to the idea that “Sometimes, girls just don’t know what they want or that “A man knows what’s best:

To some men they think no means yes.

7. Do NOT ever use any of the following phrases, ever:

“Well maybe if she didn’t wear that a skimpy outfit she wouldn’t have been raped.”

“Maybe if she didn’t drink so much she wouldn’t have been date raped.”

“Maybe if she hadn’t trusted her boyfriend for so long she wouldn’t have blind-sided and had no idea what was happening to her.

“Maybe if she was smarter she wouldn’t be raped.”

5 Things TO Do

So then what is the more appropriate approach to support? Fischl suggests that 5 things that can be done.

Empathize. Say for example: I’m sorry that happened to you.
Offer to be there. For example say, “If You ever need to vent, talk, or just cry, you can call me. I’m so sorry.”
Offer to listen. By allowing the survivor to talk about what they went through, you are allowing them to heal, which is healthier.
As a survivor, if you don’t know what to do, don’t know what to think, that’s normal. Be patient and good to yourself. You will get better.
Remember that is isn’t your problem to solve. You’re there to support the victim, and that’s it. Keep in mind that if a survivor of sexual assault comes to you don’t expect it’s something to be solved nor something you can apply your own logic to (men with all their good intentions can be notorious of this).

There’s not an easy to help a survivor of sexual assault, but doing those 5 simple things can be a good start. You may be like, “Those simple 5 things? That’s it?” That’s it. I tell my family and friends that all the time. It helps me heal, knowing they’re just there for me. And as for the 7 things about what NOT to do? It’s as simple as well…NOT doing them.

More Readings

How A Victim Blaming System Excuses Rape

“If You’re A Good Guy, You Can’t Possibly A Rapist”

People Often Defend An Alleged Rapist’s Character. Here’s Why You Should Doubt them.

Rape-splaining: 10 Examples of Victim Blaming

Dr Luke’s Lawyer: “But again, there are people that are falsely accused of rape, aren’t there? You think there has never been a false accusation of rape?”

Lady Gaga: How about all of the women that are accused of being liars and how she was slut shamed in front of the world, how about that?

Lady Gaga fighting for Kesha against her former music producer Dr. LukeFrom the online article: How Can Sexual Abuse Survivors get Justice When the System fails them?

I don’t really get the whole thing about victim shaming. No…it’s not that I don’t know what it is, but rather..why does society blame the victim? Why does society seem to crucify the people who need the most help? The victims who presented themselves on the Lifetime show, “Surviving R. Kelly” and even on the Dateline Special, “R.Kelly: Accused” are viewed pretty much as TV whores….women who are vying for their 15 minutes of fame and to gain money. However, after even listening to clips of their stories, I believed them, especially when they talked how it affected their lives, because I know how my incident affected mine.

So in a definition context, what is victim shaming? According to Wikipedia (I just loved how they perfectly defined it), “Victim Shaming or victim blaming “occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befalls them.” Why is that? It’s because compared to a robbery, the victim is more to their assaulter.

Here are some other reasons why people disbelieve survivors (Whiting, 2019):

The Myth of the Evil Perpetrator
Wishing the World Was Safe
The Wrong Kind of Victim
Confusion and Self-Blame

The Myth of the Evil Perpetrator

This is guy that everyone understates. Why? One could be his socioeconomic status…meaning he’s rich….he’s successful. He has an outstanding reputation…the guy that everyone loves…the guy everyone knows and trusts. He’s the “nice guy” and this “nice guy” is either good looking or they are someone you’d even trust your children with.They’d never do such heinous things.

Example:

Larry Nassar, the now disgraced USA Gymnastics national team doctor and osteopathic physician for Michigan State University, was someone who well-known for being generous, selfless, and committed. He was known for his goofy charm and steadfast service, that when the young girls tried to report his actions , their cries were often ignored. And it didn’t help either since he was known for “women’s pelvic issues” which was helpful for common injuries that were faced in gymnastics, he would rebuke the girl’s cries of his sexual advances by saying they misunderstood his “technique”.

Wishing the World Was Safe

I guess for some people ignorance really is bliss for some people while still having this “I could have seen it a mile a way” attitude. Well, of course they could. If after I’ve heard someone story without having being in the situation myself, of course, I would have seen it coming. Researchers call this the “hindsight effect.” In one study, research participants read different versions of a story. One group of participant read a version where a character was raped at the end, while the other group head the netural ending. The first group displayed a bias toward their character after picking up on clues from the story hence leading towards the “I knew it all along” bias where the listening audience may make the situation being told them “predictable” or “easy” when really…. it wasn’t.

Example:

In Mississippi, a woman was raped on a Biloxi Bay Bridge when she went out running. Even though she reported the assault and was treated and tested local hospital, people still had something to say about the incident: “I would not run alone that late at night, especially being a woman. Go during daylight or with a running buddy” and “It’s dark at 6 p.m. what was was she even doing alone walking on the bridge?”

The Wrong Kind of Victim

Or what is called, “ideal victim” is where the victim must fit these five characteristics:

Weak/vulnerable
Involved in a respectable activity at the time of victimization
Blameless in all aspects of the interaction
Victimized by an obvious offender
Someone who does not know the offender

Example: If a person fights back, is not dressing in the right way, is intoxicated or if the accused is someone they know, their story is more likely to be questioned or doubted

4. Confusion and Self-Blame

Here the victim may either accept that the blame their perpetrator is placing on them or feel a deep shame for allowing the abuse to keep happening or for being at the wrong place or for not getting away.

Examples:

One of Larry Nassar’s early victims, Larissa Boyce, while trusting in her coach who found her claim upsetting, then was told by her coach, that if she reported about the incident it would have “very serious consequences” for both Nassar and herself. Terrified at this possibility, Larissa end up eventually crying and apologizing to Nassar, saying it was a “misunderstanding and all her fault”.

So, how can people know what sexual assault is? Educate themselves. It’s as School House Rocky says, because:

Image result for schoolhouse rock knowledge is power gif — Sorry had to put a lighthearted gif, to such a tough topic. And I don’t know about you, but Schoolhouse Rock always put a smile on my face 😀

Alright, so what sites could help people better under sexual assault? Take a look at the sites below:

Reach Out (Australia)

The Survivors Trust (UK)

If you live outside of the U.S. and know of any anti-sexual assault organiation in your nation, if you can message me, so I can put in this post. Thank you!

References

“How Denial and Victim Blaming Keep Sexual Assault Hidden”. (2019). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-lies-and-conflict/201901/how-denial-and-victim-blaming-keep-sexual-assault-hidden

Victim Blaming. (n.d.) Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaming

More Readings

Amber Heard: I Spoke Up Against Sexual Violence and Faced Our Culture’s Wrath

Ex-Baylor Frat President Indicted On 4 Counts of Sexual Assault Won’t Go To Prison

The Veil of Silence is Lifted for Black Women Thanks to R. Kelly Docuseries

The Hearing That Forced The World To Listen To Larry Nassar’s Survivors

Why Do Sexual Assault Victims Wait So Long To Speak Out? Take A Look At The Comments Section