I know…I haven’t been showing up as lately. First it was because I was trying to emotionally and mentally adjust to the “Stay At Home” order. Once I did, I was able to be a little bit more productive. Even to the point of making my own masks by hand for my family and some friends who would be affected more by the virus. Now, it’s because I’m dealing with a breakup.
It all started because he wanted me to work and I told him “no” and that I was afraid to work during this time especially with no plan in place. I didn’t want to be overly sensitive to the things I was hearing about quarantine and the virus…both good and bad. Basically, I was just feeling overwhelmed about the level of uncertainty. Eventually he got fed up with my fears about working during this time and broke up with me. He said he was done and that I “made him miserable”. It was one thing that he discounted my fears, but say I made him “miserable”??? Anymore than it isn’t my job to make him “happy” it isn’t my job to make him “miserable”. He should also know that the pandemic would emotionally affected people in many ways…sad, scared, worried, angry, confused…aloof. But just my feelings about the pandemic didn’t align with his own, he was done with me.
To have this pandemic reveal that he would make POOR husband material during this time, was eye opening. What kind of man shames his woman for being scared during a time of a pandemic??? I mean…really??? My younger brother reminded me, even though he handled the crisis better than me, that my feelings were valid and lot of people were just as scared and worried as I was. Even though it took him YEARS to understand my mental health, he understood. My little brother saw me. It was then I realized… I had a right to be scared! F*** my Ex!!!!
Don’t get me wrong…I did truly love him, but I was hurt as how he just how quickly he broke off our relationship without even thinking of it. I was hurt how it seemed that all along he wanted the woman he thought I could be for his sake, but not me as I am right now. It hurt how he treated me like an icky booger he was struggling to flick away. My success wasn’t coming as rapidly as he hoped for (although my test was no longer happening BECAUSE of this virus) so he dumped me. My mental illness…ha! Forget it!
I realized I didn’t need him to love myself (albeit it’s foreign concept for me). I’ve come so far on my mental health recovery as well as my journey to becoming a Special Ed Teacher. Sure it has been (unfortunately) delayed, but it won’t stop me! My progress isn’t based on money or status alone, but on my own personal goals which his first and foremost self-awareness. The more self-aware I become, the more I’ll be able to handle life’s curveballs, because well, life isn’t easy. It’s just like during this pandemic, people aren’t thinking about status. They’re thinking about survival. What should they eat? How long can they be able to pay their rent or mortgage? Where is the nearest testing site? What kind of tests are being used? Will their be any fabric cotton left to make masks? Hell, we saw not too long ago how irrational people can become when they hoard toilet paper like no man’s business become when they cannot put their security around the latest and greatest car or gadget like they use to.
I didn’t mean digress in the previous paragraph, but the point was I valued self-awareness and self-improvement and for him it wasn’t “good enough”. I need a man who will respect me for that (but I hope it’s also because he respects that about himself too). Once I realized that, the break up the second time around with him wasn’t so bad. I have a greater sense of self and self-love then I did the first time around, making the breakup…bearable. I allowed my self to grieve, because it does feel awful to lose a relationship without trying to blame yourself for it. I’m doing a little bit now (though I hope I’ll be able to handle seeing him once this whole “stay at home order lifts). I’ll be focusing on continuing on my newfound realization and healing my heart so I can be ready for the next relationship.
Living Resiliently 
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